My birthday is really soon. Like two weeks today and I am going to be 21. When I was younger I was scared about turning double digits. At the age of nine I had a mental break down about the fact I would no longer be in single figures. Then when I was turning into a teenager, and I freaked out again.
But now I am going to be twenty-fucking-one. You might remember I freaked out in my previous post at the thought of approaching 21, yeah? Well now it is really real. My practice year of being a grown up is over and now it is the real deal. So I thought I would look back at my favourite age, being nine years old.
1. It was acceptable to go to bed before 9, in fact it was expected.
2. You could fall asleep in the car and you would get carried into the house. Not anymore, now you are either left and hurt yourself or you are just too damn big to get comfy.
3. You would literally climb a tree and scrape your knee – and that was your biggest concern.
4. You could run away and your mum and dad cared. Hello, mum, I live in Glasgow – come and get me now.
5. The only weight you care about is your gooey alien. I mean, did anyone actually get those damn things pregnant?
6. The tuck shop at school where 10p crisps were sold and they were the best. Are there any crisps in this world that are 10p now?
7. If you were good in school you got the classic golden time. I am talking sand boxes and endless fun. I mean unless you were naughty or forgot homework and had to finish it in class – yeah that was mean.
8. Boys were icky. But if you did have a boyfriend you never had to kiss him. You could simply cuddle or look at each other. Sometimes he would give you his last animal biscuit and that meant he really loved you.
9. Now we have to get drunk – and I mean that’s cool – but the only pain I’d have the next day when I was nine after a party was from falling off the bouncy castle.
10. Homework would take a maximum of 10 minutes and you could do it in the morning – none of this all night in the library bullshit.
11. When you wore lip gloss you were immediately a princess. Now I have to spend at least 20 minutes just trying to look like me in the morning.
12. Perfume was a luxury not a necessity.
13. Peel off everything. In art you would peel off glue, in life you would peel off nail varnish. Okay, I still do because I am rubbish at painting my nails.
14. Every diary entry would write ‘Dear Diary’, now I start mine with ‘For fucks sake Jenny…’
15. Getting dressed was a doddle. You had those shorts and that t-shirt and that was it. And sometimes, mum would already have them ready for you – gee mum what are you doing these days?
16. It didn’t matter if you were a girl or a boy – if you were good at football, you played football.
17. You could eat chocolate cereal and not feel guilty about it.
18. You got to dress up for charity and it wasn’t weird. Yeah I am dressed like a fox – why are you not?
19. Getting ready for the school disco was easy – just grab the funky hair crimpers and out that lilac eye shadow on and you are ready.
20. You would get pocket money – I mean mum, dad; you don’t understand how much that £2 would help right now.
21. Beanie babies were everything. I don’t know about you but there were times my beanie babies got more room in bed than I did.
22. You could write a letter to Santa from your magazines adverts and damn straight those elves would get to making your shit for you. Apparently Santa doesn’t make Dior dresses – Ms Wintour, can you have a word please?
23. You could doodle all day long and it was considered art. I am pretty sure my mum had a doodle I designed up on the fridge and her friends would ooh and ahh, now all they do is laugh – IT IS ART Y’KNOW.
24. Holidays meant playing in the pool and making friends with strangers. Now if you talk to a guy you wanna shag him and if you talk to a girl you will never keep in touch – great.
25. Swimming was never lengths – it was those long tubey float things.
26. Potions were everything. I used to hide mine to let them grow – my poor parents. But come on, I had to practice. I only had two years and Hogwarts would be calling.
27. Gym (what’s PE?) was spent playing with the big colourful parachute and playing cat and mouse. I always won being the mouse because I am small – BOOM.
28. Your toothpaste was fruity and made brushing your teeth fun. Also, your orange juice didn’t give you the dry boke every morning.
29. Your biggest worry was your Sunday night bath.
30. TV would consist of Powerpuff Girls and Spongebob Square Pants – now it’s depressing news, arguing politics and dirty jokes.
31. Dirty jokes consisted of many a poo joke. Sexual innuendos meant nothing.
What was your favourite age?